In Ten Years China Will be a Superpower...in a World of Shame

Published May 15, 2007 at 1:10 a.m.

3 a.m. to 4 a.m.5.14.07 By introducing the world to the egg roll, pandas and rickshaws and poisoning our pets, China has been inching closer and closer to the ever-elusive ranking of “superpower.” Now, according to Papa Bauer, the timetable for that to happen is 10 years, and the old man plans to be there for the party ... The country has much to learn before it gets those embroidered bomber ...

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CTU Penetrated. Police Say Building was Asking For It.

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Published May 8, 2007 at 12:46 a.m.

2 a.m. to 3 a.m.5.7.07 The security at CTU has failed again, proving once more that their guards are as useful as geriatric Wal-Mart greeters. And those guys can barely see or speak English. This time the culprits went through the sewer (what? there’s a sewer under CTU?), which is a shame because Old Man Buchanan used to patrol that sector with a flashlight and a baseball bat. Sometimes he ...

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Touch of Evil

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Published May 1, 2007 at 1:18 a.m.

1 a.m. to 2 a.m.4.30.07 There’s something in the air tonight. It’s not love or an unsettling Phil Collins song. No, that feeling floating through the atmosphere is the grip of evil and it’s touching everyone in their no-no-bad-places. Sheryl Crow (Audrey) has been touched by the Chinese and is in a state of catatonic shock. That’s what happens when you are prodded with chopsticks and ...

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Crazy Celebs and Shame at the Workplace

Published April 24, 2007 at 12:56 a.m.

12 a.m. to 1 a.m.4.23.07 Usually after midnight, things start to change. The beer starts tasting more like water, the sex gets dirtier and celebrities start going out of their mind thanks to all the drugs they’ve ingested that has warped their sense of reality. So it’s fitting that the episode began with Ricky Schroder running through a field and flagging down a car from the highway. This is ...

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A Dollar and A Dream

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Published April 17, 2007 at 12:49 a.m.

11 p.m. to Midnight4.16.07 The suitcase nukes are no longer a threat. They’re just heavy suitcases now and because CTU doesn’t know how to handle things that won’t explode, the Marines are called in ... The battle is over and now Jack can celebrate with his new man-crush Ricky “I Think I Love You” Schroder. Unfortunately, the man-date at Applebees will have to wait, thanks to a drugged-up ...

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Rage and Insanity on the Rocks

Published April 10, 2007 at 1:05 a.m.

10 p.m. to 11 p.m.4.9.07 Palmer 2.0 has launched a nuclear missile at a brown terrorist country with the intention of blasting all their huts and falafel stands into the ground. He’s had it with the lying, the painfully slow political process and people constantly referring to him as the “lame Palmer.” The missile makes everyone uneasy, which usually happens when a man decides to expose his ...

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Evil Robots Will Kill Us All

Published April 3, 2007 at 12:00 a.m.

4.2.079 p.m. to 10 p.m.It’s time to party in the White House bunker, thanks to the 25th Amendment, the hedonistic party of the political world. No other amendment offers this much vague and potentially deadly fun. There are elements of a campaign, an election and a drunken staring contest. The only thing missing from this amendment is a clause that, in an event of a tie, the winner would be ...

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Disabled and Disarmed

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Published March 27, 2007 at 1:01 a.m.

3.26.078 p.m. to 9 p.m. Jack Bauer found a new friend in his daily fight against terrorism. His name is Brady. He can hack into any computer in the world, will do anything you say (eventually) and loathes all red-colored foods. Brady is also autistic, making him loose cannon. He can save the world or bring it to its knees, all with a kind smile and a hug. Bauer handles the situation as ...

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Attack of the Drone or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Get Off

Published March 20, 2007 at 12:46 a.m.

3.19.077 p.m. to 8 p.m. Audrey Raines, the woman who tamed the savage beast that is Bauer and who was mocked endlessly by some (ok me) for looking like Sheryl Crow, is dead. She got the large, red “DECEASED” stamp all over her file. This made the Bauer cry, mostly because he still has the “KNOCKED UP” stamp in his locker that they bought together. They were going stamp their files together ...

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Last Exit to Crazytown

Published March 13, 2007 at 12:35 a.m.

3.12.076 p.m. to 7 p.m. Crazytown is back and she’s a different kind of crazy. Instead of popping pills and flailing her arms as she screams at walls, she devours fruit and incorporates hippie phrases like “rebirth” and “happy for my happiness” into daily conversation. The fruit and hippie-speak don’t do much for her mental stability, but it does make her hair extra curly, which is all an ...

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